Social anxiety.

Social Anxiety?

My friend (well, my only friend, just to get this clear) and I might have Social Anxiety.

While we stayed on vacation, we noticed that we were just not talkative at all. It was seriously impossible for us to stay normal and chilled during conversations (with guys obviously). We also noticed that lots of the symptoms for Social Anxiety were accurate for us: shortness of breath, upset stomach, feeling dizzy, etc.

Also, the emotional symptoms are accurate for us aswell:

  • Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know
  • Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself
  • Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous

(from: helpguide.org)

We tried to analyze how this might started off on us, but we found that we’ve always been this way. Since we’ve been friends for almost 10 years by now (with on-and-off-phases though), we’ve always kinda been to ourselves. I mean we never really were “popular”, not even in the slightest. Even in kindergarden and primary school I always had that shyness surrounding me, but I still had friends. They all made the first move, but I, however, did not get nervous or anything around new people.

And thinking back I remember that when I was in 7th and 8th grade I often felt kinda nervous at the first day of school after holidays (e.g. upset stomach) but I ignored that and it went away.

I also remember that in 5th to 6th grade I wasn’t concerned about other people at all (I was friends with all the “ugly girls” back then though), and I hat quite a big ego. Which wasn’t reasonable, but I just didn’t care. I was able to eat in public and I was able to talk in class without feeling weird and all that. *

However, I think that maybe because of that phase my confidence went down a whole bunch: I’ve never really been self-conscious before middle of 7th grade, because that’s when I realized that I really was ugly and it wasn’t just the others being mean (I never got bullied, don’t get me wrong), it was really me being ugly. A problem that had to be solved. So I started putting on make-up, it obviously looked like shit at first but yeah. So I started putting on make-up at 12 (almost 13). Anyway, after that weird phase I got really self-conscious I think. I mean, just overall, I wasn’t happy with myself. That made it even worse. I lost all my outcast friends because I got normal and became friends with the normal people (at 12 1/2).

 

* I don’t know whether I already made a post about that (I guess not) so I’ll just tell you the important stuff to get what I’m talking about. So, in 5th to 8th grade I went through a “weird phase”. By “weird phase” I mean that I was quite ugly with unplucked eyebrows, kinda fat because of eating too much and shitty clothes. It was horrible. I don’t try to say that anyone looks “good” in their younger years, but I wasn’t even “normal-looking”, if you get what I mean. I was just plain ugly, and the worst thing was, I didn’t even realize that. I always felt like I was one of the pretty girls. And I clearly clearly clearly wasn’t.

Now, at 13: I don’t want to sound conceited in any way, I really don’t, but I have to admit that me and my friend are one of those “pretty girls”. We put on make-up (yes, I know, at 13 and 14, feel free to judge us we’re used to it) and everything. We’re trying to reduce it though. Anyway, we’re one of those good-looking girls you would probably call “bitches” if you saw us walking on the streets.

 

Okay, Okay. I’ll stop with the stories now. Let’s get to the actual point of this post.

My friend and I think we have social anxiety because it’s really hard for us to talk to (good-looking) guys. And to new people in general. We’re just bad at making friends and conversations and all that important stuff. And, as previously mentioned, the social anxiety symptoms really fit us and that really scares us. We are thinking about going to the psychologist to get things straight and finding out what really is wrong with us.

 

Yeah. That was a long post.

 

Vacation.

So I returned from vacation yesterday and I’m already back to life as usual – that means sitting around all day, surfing the internet, watching YouTube-Videos, checking facebook every 5 minutes and iMessaging with my friend. I hate my life.

That’s not the point of this post, though.

Leaving from vacation always makes me feel kinda philosophical. Just like long car rides and lying awake in the bed at night. But whatever. You know, because when you leave the hotel and the place of your stay you know that you’re never going back. And even if you would, it wouldn’t be the same. Because, you see people at the hotel and get used to them and everything, but they will leave to and never go back either. And, because you meet people in the town or in the hotel who you will never see again. So even if you returned some day, it wouldn’t be the same.

You meet those people and you make friends with them even though you know that you’re not going to stay forever. Then you leave and miss them at first, but their faces and names fade from your memory just like everything else does and even if you try to hold onto them, they will forget you anyway, and so will you. And maybe, one day you will see them on the streets and won’t recognize them or be like “I know that person from somewhere” but you won’t be able to remember them and you will pass them and forget about it.

Leaving from vacation makes me realize even more that nothing is forever (that sounds so cheesy I can’t even believe I’m saying this, ugh) and that you can never experience the best moments twice (you know, you can’t say “Okay, we will do this again” because it isn’t the same thing the second time). Also, we forget so much. Obviously our brains only hold on to the information that is important in the moment and it makes me sad to know that this world is big enough to lose touch to a person you were once friends with forever. You will never be able to find them. You will forget them and move on.

I hope that made sense. :) I’m going back to school next week. Kill me.

My goals this year.

I feel like it’s time to plan again. I love planning. And organizing. Yeah, that’s weird. I know. However, without plans I’m just kind of lost, you know. I do things without focusing on why I’m doing or what I really want to accomplish.

So here is what I want to get done this year:

  • Eat clean(er). This is very important to me because I feel like I’m denying my body the nutrients that it needs and I just think that it’s important to treat your body well because it has a lot of nice side effects like weight loss, nice hair/skin/nails and all that other good stuff that everybody wants.
  • Drink more water. I’m quite good at this by now, I always have a water bottle with me but I still aim to drink at least 2l of water a day because it makes me feel a lot better.
  • Exercise more regulary. I exercise quite regulary actually, but sometimes I just feel like quitting/skipping a workout, especially when school stresses me out. That’s going to be a tough one, when I have school I never feel like exercising. I guess I just have to make this a habit.
  • Improve my grades in school. I’m not a bad student or anything, I, however, am way to quiet to get mostly As or Bs on my report.
  • Get flexible. I always admire Yoga Instructors like Tara Stiles for their flexibility and strength. Obviously, I’m never going to be on the same level as her, but I still want to be more flexible.
  • Get a job. I just need the money, you know.
  • Start going to the gym. I want to get fit. Fit people are hot. ;)

That’s it for the moment, but I sure will be adding to this.

I’ve been thinking about something…

No, it’s nothing interesting.

I want to post in spanish aswell. You know, like I write my post in English first and then “translate” it into Spanish. I find that posting in a certain language obviously increases your skills. And since I really have to work on my Spanish (I don’t suck at it, but in my opinion you can never really learn a language in school) I think it’s a good idea to start doing that in my next post.

Tumblr.

Most of you hopefully know what Tumblr is. If not, google it or whatever.

I’ve had tumblr blogs for approx. 2 years by now. And I think that it’s time to at least deactivate my blogs on there.

Tumblr isn’t the right place to “express myself” because the only thing I really do there is reblogging pictures. And whatever is pictured in those images is what I want to do / experience / buy. It’s like in high school where those clique-y girls define what’s cool and what not. You know, there are pictures of Hollister Jeans and Apple Products and I’m like: “Oh that’s sooo cool, I want that!”. And I kind of emulate those people who took the pictures.

Besides, tumblr holds me back from real life. I spent almost the whole summer holidays 2010 at home, on my laptop. And I’d keep reblogging pictures without even noticing how much time I was wasting. (It got so bad that my mom forced me to go outside with her but I was so pissed off that she gave up…) I really spent my life behind my computer and I began to make new friends, “online friends”. One of them became one of my closest friends, I’d even prefer her over my real life best friend. It was really weird. I was basically living on tumblr, I’d have my friends there and everything. And I just don’t want to let that happen again.

Tumblr will be the end of your social life. Seriously. You will lose most of your friends because the only thing you’re going to do is blog. You will end behind your laptop in summer, just like me. You will waste lots of time and then, a year or two later, you will realize what you did and regret every second of it.

I’m not joking, seriously.

Drake was right with what he said about tumblr. (Read it here.)

 

 

I’ve come to a realization.

Some of you may know, as I’ve been talking about it a few times on other posts, that I’m actually trying to get healthy / fit.

Well, lately I’ve been quite discouraged to be honest. Most of time, it isn’t that hard for me to get back on track (workout-wise) but this time, it’s really hard. I just don’t feel like working out. But it’s not a one day thing like most of us get from time to time.

I’ve come to the realization that I don’t want to take care of my health. I mean I obviously want to be healthy and stuff, but I don’t want to be known as the “healthy” girl who always skips McDonald’s and lives at the gym. I feel like with 13 there’s no need to get crazy over nutrition and exercise. I’ll just try my best to eat less and then see what I want to do in the future. I mean there’s always time to get healthy and fit. But right now, I don’t want to worry about that.

That’s it actually.

Taking a big step towards meeting new people.

As you may know from reading this post, I’m very unhappy with my current social situation. I have 3 friends right now and that’s it. No one else I could meet up with, no one else I could talk to about problems I might get in the future.

Right now, I’m kinda having a tough time with my best friend (she sometimes annoys the shit out of me) and the other friend I’ve listed up is more like a close acquaintance and not a real friend. So that leaves me with exactly one friend, one I’ve known since kindergarten.

She has a similiar problem and we’ve been talking and just hanging out together during the past two weeks or so (which left my current best friend jealous… as if we were in a relationship and I was cheating on her or something. My God, she’s so exaggerating.)

However, we’ve decidided to change schools because we want change. We both don’t like our year at school at all and there’s no one we’d want to be friends with. Also we didn’t want to join a sports club because usually, there aren’t the kind of people you’re looking for. Changing schools is the only real option we have.

And I’m scared, actually. I mean, I’m scared that they don’t like us (me) and we’re kind of left alone all over again. I’m scared they of what they might think of me when we first step into the classroom. I’m scared that it all gets worse and when my old classmates / best friend ask me how it is, I’d have to reply “Oh, well, it isn’t as good as we expected it to be”. I guess it’s normal to be scared at first, still, it’s a huge step. Also, my best friend will be so pissed off because I’m kind of leaving her behind with my old friend from kindergarten and primary school who she’s been jealous of for so long.

But we’ve made this decision already and since there’s no other option, I’m going to have to take this chance and make lots of new friends. I hope it works out the way we’ve planned it.

Time for a new post: My (updated – once again) guidelines

Well, actually, these have to be treated as rules. They’re my personal rules and I find (or I’m going to figure it out now) that these work best for me, so I’m going to follow them until there will be a new update as strictly as I can. I’m going to try my best this time. I really want to be fit and healthy and happy and what not and I know that that takes work. (And I’m willing to do whatever to achieve my goals.)

So, these are my new, updated, better-than-ever guidelines which will help me to a new, happier and healthier me (at least I hope so):

  • Exercise at least 40 minutes a day (20 minutes Cardio, 20 minutes Pilates or other toning exercises).
  • At least 15 minutes Yoga a day. (I want to get flexible, besides Yoga makes me feel good about myself. For a moment… Still, it counts.)
  • 1400-1500 calories a day. Depends on activity level, how hungry I am, etc.
  • One treat a day. E.g. 1 serving nutella, 2 squares dark chocolate, etc. Not both in one day.
  • At least 1 serving vegetables and at least 2 servings fruit a day.
  • Watch Protein intake. (At the very least 50g per day.)
  • Watch Sugar, Sodium, Carbs and Fats. (Especially Sugar and Carbs.)
  • Push harder while working out. (No, there’s no break for me when I’m doing a 5 minute workout video. I can rest when I’m done.)
  • Post my intake on my “health” blog on tumblr. (Will hopefully stop me from bingeing because that’d be kind of embarassing me.)
  • Take fotos of at least 1 meal I eat a day.
  • Only eat when hungry. Stop when full. Eat slowly. (That’s a big one for me… ugh)

I’m going to follow these rules and they’re going to help me achive my goals. There are no excuses. It’s time to get off my butt. (:

I love this blog

Because it’s mine. It’s almost like my password-protected blog on tumblr that I have, (almost) no one reads it, no one comments, no one annoys me with their opinion.

Well, I did share it with an old internet friend of mine but that’s irrelevant anyway.

However, on one hand I want this blog to be successful – so many people can read my rants about things such as “Happiness” and stuff but at the same time I don’t want that many people to read about my life. I mean, this thing is really personal (see the family problems post for example).

Man, that wasn’t even the actual subject of this post.

I love this blog because it’s my blog, like I said above. It’s me and that’s why I won’t post a pictue of myself or anything like that. I’d like to stay “anonymous” to you, since my blog itself is very personal. I don’t think you’d need lots of pictures of me to recognise me on the streets or wherever. (Actually you won’t ever see me in real life because I live in a fucking small town.)

Anyway, if you’re on of the 6 followers this blog already has, thank you very much. I always get excited when I see this “growing”.

If you’re not, you should really think about following! I post some interesting shit sometimes.

I seriously have no life.

The other day, I googled “how to get a life”. I think I can’t sink much deeper.

Let me break it down for you:

  • I have 2 friends and a few people that I like and spend a bit of time with (at school).
  • I look like shit. I’m working on that, though.
  • I have serious family problems, which only I seem to notice.
  • I’m pretty average at school, but it’s getting worse. (Uh-oh! But seriously, though. That has to change, too.)

So yeah, that’s my great-awesome-amazing-wonderful life. Now, I need to work on that. I mean, I don’t want it to stay this way. I want to go partying some day, I want to have friends and I want to have a boyfriend. I want to meet new people. I want to socialize.

I just wonder where I went wrong, you know? I mean, where did I fuck up so hard? Was it because I started to starve myself and basically isolated myself? Was it because for almost one year, I spent my life in front of my fucking laptop? I guess it was both. Now, I need to sort things out before it’s too late. Luckily, my friend got a similar problem. (We’re trying to sort it out together now.)

But I still have to do it on my own. I need to get my life together before I’m too old and my apparently best years have passed by without me really archiving anything.

You know, I used to tell myself: “I’m better off alone.”; “I’m anti-social.”; “I don’t need friends or anything like that.” Well guess what, I was wrong. And if you’re thinking the same way as I did back then, then you’re fucking wrong too. Trust me on that one. (Actually, you can trust me on anything I say because I’m right 99.9% of the time. No, I’m not being self-regarding or anything like that here.)

So now, I need to make up for the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I need to sort things out. Now. I cannot wait until life comes along my way and hits me in the face with shitloads of friends and good grades and a great bikini-bod. I need to work myself up.

So here’s my (master) plan:

  • Work my ass off everyday to get the body I want by summer. (99 days to go, oh my.)
  • Study vocabulary and stuff for exams and for regular school so I can be the know-it-all in most classes. (I won’t be anyway, my friend’s got that role for sure already.)
  • Smile more. Even if I don’t feel like it.
  • Relax. Do some Yoga and calm myself.
  • Get some fucking confidence. There’s no need to be ashamed of myself. I’m fucking amazing and I’m working on the flaws I have.
  • Ignore the family problems and act like everything’s great. There’s nothing I could do that’d change the situation anyway, so I can just deal with it.
  • Join a sports club, talk to people, do whatever it takes to get “noticed”. You know, I don’t have any intention in being a wallflower or anything like that.
  • Read more books. (I’m currently reading The perks of being a wallflower. In English though, which isn’t my native language.)

I know it’s going to work. All my plans work. I’m the planning master. (Seriously though, I plan out everything I do, whenever I do something special-occasion-like, I plan it out and it always works out. If it doesn’t, I get insecure though. Need to work on that, too. Not now though. There are more important things to focus on right now.)

Wish me luck, guys.