5 pieces of advice I wish I could follow

Obviously, giving advice is one of the simplest things. Well at least to me. Especially when it comes to giving advice to myself. The only problem is that following advice can be really hard, because things are easier said than done.

However, these are 5 pieces of advice I wish I could follow:

1. Stop comparing myself to other people. Whether it’s looks,  skills, or just life in general, I always compare myself to other people. Especially to those I envy. Even though I know it’s not going to get me anywhere, because I’m never going to be them. I will always be myself, and there will always be people who are prettier, more successful, get more money or better grades, etc. I’m never going to get their looks or their skills or their life and I should just accept that and work towards being the best I can possibly be. Instead, I often keep focussing on how far others have come already or what their great qualities are and how I am lacking those. It usually ends with me being miserable and depressed.

2. Stop caring about what other people think of me. That’s like the #1 thing that is always being discussed and people keep telling you “Oh don’t care about what they say” or “Just ignore them” and all that blahblah. Well it’s not that easy, obviously. Because we are actually made to seek acceptance, apprecation and respect in that group of people we are associating with. (If you think back: In the human species’ early times, it was important to be part of a group in order to survive.) So actually, we can never really stop caring about other people’s opinions. The only thing we can do is tell ourselves that there are people who accept, appreciate and respect us and we don’t need those who don’t. And that’ “all” you really have to do, but that can be very hard. Especially if you don’t have that large circle of friends (like me).

3. Start to actually stand up for myself. As you probably already have been guessing, I’m not that kind of outspoken, confident person. Therefore, I also don’t stand up for myself, or defeat my beliefs or speak louder when someone’s getting on my nerves. Usually I just sit there and have others discussing what I also find interesting. And I don’t even know why I don’t stand up for myself, because it’s not like I don’t have pride or anything and just let everyone mess with me or whatever. It’s not like I don’t have any arguments for my beliefs, but during an argument or discussion, I often can’t think of any. And later, when I’ve calmed down and went through what happened in my head, I suddenly know what I should’ve said.

4. Get confidence and become “bestfriends with myself”. I have struggled and still am struggling a lot with self-hate and all that kind of stuff. You know, that voice in your head that always tells you that “You’re fat/ugly/unworthy/No one likes you/ stop eating” kind of blahblah. If you want to get anywhere in life, you obviously have to team up with yourself. As well all know, you can be your own worst enemy. You can put yourself down without other people having a negative impact on you, you can make yourself hide in your room and cry yourself to sleep, etc. etc. etc. In the end of the day, the only person that will really stay with you forever is yourself. Not your bestfriend, or your mom, or your boyfriend, or your dog, or whoever. It’s basically just you and yourself. So why would you want to put yourself down and bring negativity to your life? (I know, quite ironical coming from someone like me. But I guess you get my point.) Why wouldn’t you want to just become a happier person overall, because you love yourself? Also, ask yourself this question: Can I expect other people to love and appreciate me if I don’t love and appreciate myself? If you don’t love yourself, who will?

5. Work harder towards my goal, stop quitting so easily, dedicate myself to my goal. I’m a quitter. I hate admitting it, but it’s true. Unfortunately. I always feel like it’s not getting me anywhere anyway, or I’m just having a lazy day or whatever. I also often half-ass things, and I don’t even know why. Because it’s not like they’re not important to me, my problem is just that I’m not working hard enough because I’m impatient and loose motivation easily. I wish I could focus more on the goal and accept that it’s going to take time and hard work.

So while writing this, I came across another very important piece of advice you definitely shouldn’t be leaving out:

6. Stop being so pessimistic about everything. I’m a pessimist, another very awful characteristic of mine. I hate it, it keeps me from actually working hard and makes life so much harder. I’m always preparing myself for the worst-case scenario, and not even thinking that the worst thing isn’t always the thing that can happen. I forget that sometimes, good things happen aswell and that there are positive aspects of my life. I just don’t see them because I take them for guranteed and focus on the bad things. That’s so annoying sometimes, it keeps me from actually trying new things and dedicating myself to my goals, because there are always thoughts like “it’s not going to get you anywhere” that creep into my head and ruin everything.

So that’s it, basically. There are obviously a lot more things you should not ignore when trying to live an overall happier and relaxing life. But from my point of view, those are the 5 (well 6) general points you should definitely try to follow. I’m trying my best, too.

And another quote I came across earlier today:

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” – Buddha

I guess that’s kind of self-explaining, so I’ll just leave it at that and end this post here. :) It got quite long…

Regrets.

I wonder if someday I will regret how much time I wasted on the internet when I was young. I wonder how this (my life) will turn out when I’m older, and if my views on life change as I grow up. They probably will.

It’s no secret that I hate the life I’m living right now, but I think the absolutely worst thing about it right now is that I have nothing to do all the time. I mean, not even homework or anything. I did everything already. I spent this evening (just like every other) sitting either in front of the TV or laptop, even though I don’t have school tomorrow. I don’t know what to do with my time and I’m afraid that someday, when I’ve ran out of time, I will regret how many hours of my precious life I wasted alone in my room.

It’s putting me down that I’m just sitting here, not getting any closer to my goals or having fun. You know, it wouldn’t even be half as bad if I had fun being alone. (I do like being alone and having some time for myself at some point but not that much of time.) But my life is no fun at the moment. It’s no fun at all and I wonder when things will begin to change? I see people in school everyday, enjoying their lifes and having friends and whatever, and I’m such an outcast with my friend in the corner of the room, laughing about things that aren’t funny and talking about people who would never want to spend their time with us. Indeed, I’m lucky that I’m not completely alone, but my situation right now isn’t great either.

Also I’ve realized that everyone expects me (us) to be something different, to look a certain way, and all that kind of stuff. I don’t know if you know this situation when everyone seems to be observing your flaws only? And when others do the same “bad” thing as you do, no one even notices? That is what is happening right now to me (us). (When I talk about “us”, I refer to me and my best friend since we’re kind of one person, if you get what I mean.) Everyone is looking at us for some particular reason, everyone is only noticing our flaws. And it’s annoying and stressing me out even more, because I feel like I have to live up to everyone else’s expections; which I don’t do, but you know, I feel the pressure.

The worst thing about this is, because we are the outcasts, everyone feels like they can just do whatever and we have to deal with it. Actually, it’s this way (as an example); someone “lets us know” what we are doing wrong with our make up, we are annoyed and act like that and that certain person feels attacked by us.

See, how I’m putting various subjects in one post?

Arrogance and Introversion.

I don’t know whether this was obvious or not, but I’m a very introvert person. I’m not talkative and quite shy and I always worry, I observe people and I can look through them pretty fast, you know, I perfectly fit the criteria for being introvert. And actually, I always knew this. I’ve been this way since kindergarten and it has never really been a problem. Mostly because I always had friends who were extroverted and, like, “guided” me, if you know what I mean. I never had to do the first move.

My best friend is also introvert by the way, so our first appointment at 2 was really weird, because no one of us started the conversation. We became best friends in primary school.

Anyway, it all ended with me having just this one friend – my bestest friend – but yeah, just this one friend.
And since we’re both introverts, it is really really really hard for us to make new friends.

Not only because we’re bad at talking and worry about seeming weird to the other persons, also because most people judge us pretty quickly, unfortunately.

We both never show emotions, we always have this “pokerface” on, which gives us a really arrogant and conceited look. Furthermore, we wear quite a lot of make-up, which again makes us seem really conceited, also because we often have to re-do it in public. Besides, we don’t laugh much around new people – and if we do, it sounds fake and put on – and we barely talk (because we’re ashamed of it, since we don’t have a “life” we could talk about). In addition, we always either give people just a really short look – which most people take as offence as if we were saying “You’re not good enough for us” – or look them right into the eyes which most people (including me haha) don’t like at all. So overall, we create an impression of being arrogant and conceited bitches who thing they’re something better, also because you really cannot say that we’re ugly.

Even though we are completely different – like mentioned above, we are really shy and don’t want anyone to know how we feel, whether we like them or not, etc. because we’re afraid of rejection.

It’s awful.

I feel like my life only consists of problems.

First of all, I want to list all of them so you can get an idea about how fucked up my life is:

  • Money.
  • I don’t have any friends / a boyfriend.
  • My body (and appearance in general).
  • My shyness and “pokerface” which make me seem like an arrogant bitch. (There even is a chance that my friend and I have Social Anxiety.)
  • Not being talkative or out-going.
  • My school.
  • Grades.

And this is what I’m constantly thinking about / what surrounds me everyday. I go to bed every day and my last thought is dedicated to those problems and when I wake up in the morning the first thing that comes to my mind is what needs to be done today to solve those.

Since me and my friend are in this together, we’ve made up a plan to get a better life in general, and our whole friendship consists of solving those problems. And it really annoys me because that is what my whole life is about. There is nothing that I look forward to (expect the future), it’s only me and all those problems the whole time. My friend and I only talk about that and when we spend time together, those problems are always the subject of the conversation (if we even have one, because most of the time we’re just bored and don’t do anything).

There isn’t anything seriously positive in my life. I know people say that bad phases don’t last forever, but this phase has lasted for months now and I wonder when it is time for the happyness to come back again? I mean, real happyness. (Because on vacation, we both were happy and that’s why we both miss being on vacation soso much.)

I don’t know how to deal with this because even if we follow our “plan” to solve out the problems, that doesn’t mean everything gets better. Since you cannot plan life, I don’t know what will happen and whether we follow the plan because not even that is a sure thing these days.

I’m quite depressed lately. That’s why I’m eating so much too.

Vacation.

So I returned from vacation yesterday and I’m already back to life as usual – that means sitting around all day, surfing the internet, watching YouTube-Videos, checking facebook every 5 minutes and iMessaging with my friend. I hate my life.

That’s not the point of this post, though.

Leaving from vacation always makes me feel kinda philosophical. Just like long car rides and lying awake in the bed at night. But whatever. You know, because when you leave the hotel and the place of your stay you know that you’re never going back. And even if you would, it wouldn’t be the same. Because, you see people at the hotel and get used to them and everything, but they will leave to and never go back either. And, because you meet people in the town or in the hotel who you will never see again. So even if you returned some day, it wouldn’t be the same.

You meet those people and you make friends with them even though you know that you’re not going to stay forever. Then you leave and miss them at first, but their faces and names fade from your memory just like everything else does and even if you try to hold onto them, they will forget you anyway, and so will you. And maybe, one day you will see them on the streets and won’t recognize them or be like “I know that person from somewhere” but you won’t be able to remember them and you will pass them and forget about it.

Leaving from vacation makes me realize even more that nothing is forever (that sounds so cheesy I can’t even believe I’m saying this, ugh) and that you can never experience the best moments twice (you know, you can’t say “Okay, we will do this again” because it isn’t the same thing the second time). Also, we forget so much. Obviously our brains only hold on to the information that is important in the moment and it makes me sad to know that this world is big enough to lose touch to a person you were once friends with forever. You will never be able to find them. You will forget them and move on.

I hope that made sense. :) I’m going back to school next week. Kill me.

The most essential question.

In fact, the most essential question ever. (Yeah, it’s me philosophizing late at night. Maybe that isn’t the best idea.)
What is the meaning in life? Why do we exist? Where does everything makes sense, where does it make “click” in our heads? Where is the solution to this question, a question humans have been asking since the beginning of time?
I obviously don’t know.
However.
At some point, I do believe that every living piece on this earth exists to propagate its species so it doesn’t become extinct. And we all are nothing more but a part of an “experiment” by a force bigger and more powerfull than we all could ever imagine. (No, I’m not in any way talking about God.) What if all those chliche meanings of life like “live your dream”; “do whatever you want” and etc. things are just thoughts sent by that force to distract us from the obvious?

‘Wouldn’t that be a little too easy though?’, you ask. Because that would mean that we only exist to fuck us from one human being to another.
Well, that’s what most people do anyway.

In the end, I think this is my point of view right now. All these chliche sayings keep us from going insane because if you really think about it, there is no meaning to live. We die anyway. Sooner or later, everything you have accomplished will be forgotten.
That’s the point. Even if you did something “big”, one day our species will become extinct and that’s when your “big acts” will die, too.
I’m not trying to tell you to jump off a cliff because we die anyway, I’m trying to tell you that the chliche sayings are nothing but bullshit.

I love this blog

Because it’s mine. It’s almost like my password-protected blog on tumblr that I have, (almost) no one reads it, no one comments, no one annoys me with their opinion.

Well, I did share it with an old internet friend of mine but that’s irrelevant anyway.

However, on one hand I want this blog to be successful – so many people can read my rants about things such as “Happiness” and stuff but at the same time I don’t want that many people to read about my life. I mean, this thing is really personal (see the family problems post for example).

Man, that wasn’t even the actual subject of this post.

I love this blog because it’s my blog, like I said above. It’s me and that’s why I won’t post a pictue of myself or anything like that. I’d like to stay “anonymous” to you, since my blog itself is very personal. I don’t think you’d need lots of pictures of me to recognise me on the streets or wherever. (Actually you won’t ever see me in real life because I live in a fucking small town.)

Anyway, if you’re on of the 6 followers this blog already has, thank you very much. I always get excited when I see this “growing”.

If you’re not, you should really think about following! I post some interesting shit sometimes.

Do you know what I think? … (Hint: It has to do something with appearance and that kind of stuff.)

No. Obviously you don’t. So I’m going to tell you about it.

I think that if you get bullied or put down or just feel worthless for whatever the reason may be, you radiate that feeling. I mean, you radiate your feelings. You radiate that because deep down, you start to believe it. You start to believe (or you already do) that you’re worthless, ugly, unattractive, weird, fat, etc.

So if you believe that, people are going to notice that. They’re not going to point a finger at you and say: “Look at him/her, s/he’s unhappy with him/herself!” Unless you make it really obvious, people are not going to do that. But for some reason (at least that’s what I think), they’ll notice that you’re unhappy, even if you fake a smile and act happy. It just doesn’t look right if you’re playing it. And people notice that. Maybe they’re not recognizing it but they’ll get away from you. (Expect if they really like you, then you’re lucky.)

They’ll simply going to look for new friends aka happy people who are fun to be around with. Most people these days don’t put effort into their relationships anymore, they expect everything to work out and if it doesn’t, they’ll get new friends. Or just try to leave you alone so you can figure things out yourself.

Bottom line: You radiate your feelings, whether they’re negative or positive. And if they’re negative, people are more likely to leave you alone. If you’re happy and fun to be around with, nobody’s gonna leave you that easily. Expect if you’re an asshole, obviously.

Happiness

A new rant about happiness! My favorite!

So I just saw a status on facebook that said, “Cherish every moment, be happy” and this girl commented: “But you can only be happy if it’s the right moment and there’s a reason to be.”

In my opinion, there are two types of “happiness”. First, there’s this happiness which you feel in certain moments, like when you spend a great time with your friend(s)/boyfriend/girfriend/crush/whoever or something great just happened to you, that kind of stuff. Second, there’s this happiness when you’re comfortable with yourself, are satisfied with your life and you’re positive about everything. Obviously there are worries and things that aren’t 100% great but you feel like you can deal with that.

The first one I named is happiness based on luck. You obviously don’t have any affect on your luck. But you have an affect on how to deal with shit, which just happens and that happiness is the second one. What I mean is that it’s in your hands what to feel. It’s your choice whether to feel depressed or not, it’s your choice if you want to be positive about something or not. But now you could say: “Well, how am I supposed to be happy if there’s so much shit going on in my life/I hate myself/both?” I know what you’re talking about, I know what it’s like when you hate yourself… However, everyone kind of does, right? So what I’m trying to tell you is that you should be happy that you’re alive, you should do things you enjoy to do, and you should do them as often as you possibly can. That’s the one happiness you have an affect on. It’s in your hands how to view things and it’s a lot easier to deal with everything if you don’t stress about it too much or get too depressed about it.

Happiness based on luck: out of your hands.

Happiness based on whether you’re an optimist or not: totally in your hands.

You can be like: “Ugh, everything sucks, I hate everyone, I have no friends.” or you can be like: “My life’s not the best, but I can do my best to make it better!”. Trust me, it works. (By the way, no one wants to be friends with a depressed person who doesn’t even talk or whatever. Just saying.)

Who am I?

Yes, I already kind of made a post about that. Still, this is a question that keeps me up at night. Or drifting away at day…

However, I know it sounds weird. It even sounds weird to me. You know, the problem is, I’m in puberty. I have self-esteem issues, school issues, friend issues, and all that kind of stuff. But this is also the time where you find out who you really are. And now here’s my actual question: How do I know when I’ve found who I am? Is there some kind of “sign” that’ll make me realize that? Will I just be like “Yep, that’s me” and that’s it or what? Oh and, do I get to chose who I am? Can I decide what kind of non-physical features I want to have and develop them? Or does it “come at me”?

It’s really confusing me. I mean, I don’t know who I want to be. On the other hand, I know who I don’t want to be.

I mean, that’s just weird. Am I the only one who thinks this way? Am I the only one who is this confused?

You know, sometimes I feel like I’m wayy too mature for my age (I’m 13 and in year 8), I’m supposed to be in year 7 right now actually, due to my age. But I started school at age 4. Anyway, what I mean is that sometimes even people 1 year older than me are so annoying and immature to me. I just can’t deal with it sometimes.

So that wasn’t even the subject. I don’t even know what the point of this was. I’m just tired of this, I’m confused and I want to be older already. I want to live on my own, I want to be able to make my own decisions and I want to be who I want to be (…) .

If you read this… congrats, you just wasted your life with this irrelevancy.