Showing emotions

To be honest, showing emotions is really really hard for me. I hate the idea of someone actually looking through me and knowing how I feel. I hate taking those “masks” off and revealing myself, with all my flaws and imperfections and what not. If you knew me, you would know that I always have a “pokerface”. Everyday. I don’t smile randomly or make a sad face. I just have that pokerface, and it doesn’t let any feelings shine through. When talking to people I don’t know that well, I always “wear” that pokerface aswell. And it’s really hard for me to laugh or show any emotions in general.

It’s impossible to break those walls I’ve built around me, unless I like and trust you. And if I don’t like you, I will never show any emotion in front of you. I never cry when other people are around. Even if I feel like crying, I’ll force myself to not let the tears out. I don’t want anyone to see how I feel.

Relationships are a big thing for me, because they’re obviously associated with a lot of emotions, like hurt and all that stuff. (That’s why I’ve never had a relationship. Even as a child I never had a crush on anyone. I have always been kind of cold when it came to things like that.) The thought of having to take those “walls” down when in a relationship really scares me. Because taking them down means possibly getting hurt. I obviously don’t show emotions because I don’t want to get hurt. And that usually works quite well.

One thing I also always do is that I don’t admit how I feel. Not even in front of myself. For example, if I got a crush on someone and I was sure that I had a crush, I still wouldn’t admit that. I would tell myself “No, you don’t have a crush on someone.” even if I knew I was lying to myself. But the thing is: If I don’t confess that I have a crush, and it turns out that that someone doesn’t have a crush on me, I haven’t lost anything. I could just tell myself “you didn’t have a crush on them anyway” and I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. But, if I did admit how I felt in front of myself, I would feel like a “loser”, unloved and unwanted. To keep myself from that kind of hurt, I don’t admit feelings in the first place.

Now the thing is, most people take that kind of behaviour (not laughing during the conversation, etc.) for arrogance and lack of interest. They don’t understand that kind of self-protection. But I’m not ready to take those masks down.

Makeup is quite a big thing for me aswell. It’s another kind of mask, something I can hide my flaws and imperfections behind and which helps me feel better about myself. Like I said in the beginning, the idea of people seeing my real face terrifies me. And having to take those masks down at some point in my life terrifies me even more. Unfortunately, that makes me look even more conceited, arrogant and people usually think I’m a “bitch”. Which I’m clearly not.

But to be honest, I like to be that kind of person nobody really understands. I can’t and won’t take my walls down and I probably never will.

I’m so done.

This is going to be really really personal…

It just kills me to see how my best friend (my only friend also, as you know), is so much prettier than me. I know this sounds superficial, but it’s true. To me it kind of seems like she gets all the attention and maybe that wouldn’t even be that hard for me if I wasn’t so self conscious.

I observe other people staring at her and so many tell her how pretty she is (which is true obviously). I get compliments too, but not nearly as much. What really is the worst about this is that it just confirms everything that I have always suspected and that what I would call my “flaws” aren’t little things you ignore, but really are big things which get attention.

What I also hate is that she always tries to make me feel better by sugar-coating things, even though I believe that we both know that my point is the actual truth. I hate that she actually has to sugar-coat things because they are that bad for me.

I hate that it has always been this way now, for 10 years. I’ve always been the ugly friend, I’ve always been the one who was known because she was friends with someone more popular. I’ve always been the one in someone else’s shadow. And I actually thought that this would have had changed by now, but it hasn’t. I thought we were on the same level now, but apparently we are not.

I know life is unfair and I also believe everything happens for a reason, but at some point things just need to change. It’s getting on my nerves that whenever something like today happens (I’m not going to get detailed here, that’d be boring) I get really emotional and cry because I’m self conscious and can’t deal with anything.

So I decided that I would create a new plan. A plan I will just follow. I will just do it, no matter what time it is, how tired I am, what happened that day and what else is making me feel like “I don’t wanna do it”. I’m not in the position to be lazy and stuff because I’m always the one who ends up being emotional and death wishes. I want this to stop.

Regrets.

I wonder if someday I will regret how much time I wasted on the internet when I was young. I wonder how this (my life) will turn out when I’m older, and if my views on life change as I grow up. They probably will.

It’s no secret that I hate the life I’m living right now, but I think the absolutely worst thing about it right now is that I have nothing to do all the time. I mean, not even homework or anything. I did everything already. I spent this evening (just like every other) sitting either in front of the TV or laptop, even though I don’t have school tomorrow. I don’t know what to do with my time and I’m afraid that someday, when I’ve ran out of time, I will regret how many hours of my precious life I wasted alone in my room.

It’s putting me down that I’m just sitting here, not getting any closer to my goals or having fun. You know, it wouldn’t even be half as bad if I had fun being alone. (I do like being alone and having some time for myself at some point but not that much of time.) But my life is no fun at the moment. It’s no fun at all and I wonder when things will begin to change? I see people in school everyday, enjoying their lifes and having friends and whatever, and I’m such an outcast with my friend in the corner of the room, laughing about things that aren’t funny and talking about people who would never want to spend their time with us. Indeed, I’m lucky that I’m not completely alone, but my situation right now isn’t great either.

Also I’ve realized that everyone expects me (us) to be something different, to look a certain way, and all that kind of stuff. I don’t know if you know this situation when everyone seems to be observing your flaws only? And when others do the same “bad” thing as you do, no one even notices? That is what is happening right now to me (us). (When I talk about “us”, I refer to me and my best friend since we’re kind of one person, if you get what I mean.) Everyone is looking at us for some particular reason, everyone is only noticing our flaws. And it’s annoying and stressing me out even more, because I feel like I have to live up to everyone else’s expections; which I don’t do, but you know, I feel the pressure.

The worst thing about this is, because we are the outcasts, everyone feels like they can just do whatever and we have to deal with it. Actually, it’s this way (as an example); someone “lets us know” what we are doing wrong with our make up, we are annoyed and act like that and that certain person feels attacked by us.

See, how I’m putting various subjects in one post?

I’ve been thinking about something…

No, it’s nothing interesting.

I want to post in spanish aswell. You know, like I write my post in English first and then “translate” it into Spanish. I find that posting in a certain language obviously increases your skills. And since I really have to work on my Spanish (I don’t suck at it, but in my opinion you can never really learn a language in school) I think it’s a good idea to start doing that in my next post.

Tumblr.

Most of you hopefully know what Tumblr is. If not, google it or whatever.

I’ve had tumblr blogs for approx. 2 years by now. And I think that it’s time to at least deactivate my blogs on there.

Tumblr isn’t the right place to “express myself” because the only thing I really do there is reblogging pictures. And whatever is pictured in those images is what I want to do / experience / buy. It’s like in high school where those clique-y girls define what’s cool and what not. You know, there are pictures of Hollister Jeans and Apple Products and I’m like: “Oh that’s sooo cool, I want that!”. And I kind of emulate those people who took the pictures.

Besides, tumblr holds me back from real life. I spent almost the whole summer holidays 2010 at home, on my laptop. And I’d keep reblogging pictures without even noticing how much time I was wasting. (It got so bad that my mom forced me to go outside with her but I was so pissed off that she gave up…) I really spent my life behind my computer and I began to make new friends, “online friends”. One of them became one of my closest friends, I’d even prefer her over my real life best friend. It was really weird. I was basically living on tumblr, I’d have my friends there and everything. And I just don’t want to let that happen again.

Tumblr will be the end of your social life. Seriously. You will lose most of your friends because the only thing you’re going to do is blog. You will end behind your laptop in summer, just like me. You will waste lots of time and then, a year or two later, you will realize what you did and regret every second of it.

I’m not joking, seriously.

Drake was right with what he said about tumblr. (Read it here.)

 

 

I’ve come to a realization.

Some of you may know, as I’ve been talking about it a few times on other posts, that I’m actually trying to get healthy / fit.

Well, lately I’ve been quite discouraged to be honest. Most of time, it isn’t that hard for me to get back on track (workout-wise) but this time, it’s really hard. I just don’t feel like working out. But it’s not a one day thing like most of us get from time to time.

I’ve come to the realization that I don’t want to take care of my health. I mean I obviously want to be healthy and stuff, but I don’t want to be known as the “healthy” girl who always skips McDonald’s and lives at the gym. I feel like with 13 there’s no need to get crazy over nutrition and exercise. I’ll just try my best to eat less and then see what I want to do in the future. I mean there’s always time to get healthy and fit. But right now, I don’t want to worry about that.

That’s it actually.

Taking a big step towards meeting new people.

As you may know from reading this post, I’m very unhappy with my current social situation. I have 3 friends right now and that’s it. No one else I could meet up with, no one else I could talk to about problems I might get in the future.

Right now, I’m kinda having a tough time with my best friend (she sometimes annoys the shit out of me) and the other friend I’ve listed up is more like a close acquaintance and not a real friend. So that leaves me with exactly one friend, one I’ve known since kindergarten.

She has a similiar problem and we’ve been talking and just hanging out together during the past two weeks or so (which left my current best friend jealous… as if we were in a relationship and I was cheating on her or something. My God, she’s so exaggerating.)

However, we’ve decidided to change schools because we want change. We both don’t like our year at school at all and there’s no one we’d want to be friends with. Also we didn’t want to join a sports club because usually, there aren’t the kind of people you’re looking for. Changing schools is the only real option we have.

And I’m scared, actually. I mean, I’m scared that they don’t like us (me) and we’re kind of left alone all over again. I’m scared they of what they might think of me when we first step into the classroom. I’m scared that it all gets worse and when my old classmates / best friend ask me how it is, I’d have to reply “Oh, well, it isn’t as good as we expected it to be”. I guess it’s normal to be scared at first, still, it’s a huge step. Also, my best friend will be so pissed off because I’m kind of leaving her behind with my old friend from kindergarten and primary school who she’s been jealous of for so long.

But we’ve made this decision already and since there’s no other option, I’m going to have to take this chance and make lots of new friends. I hope it works out the way we’ve planned it.

Time for a new post: My (updated – once again) guidelines

Well, actually, these have to be treated as rules. They’re my personal rules and I find (or I’m going to figure it out now) that these work best for me, so I’m going to follow them until there will be a new update as strictly as I can. I’m going to try my best this time. I really want to be fit and healthy and happy and what not and I know that that takes work. (And I’m willing to do whatever to achieve my goals.)

So, these are my new, updated, better-than-ever guidelines which will help me to a new, happier and healthier me (at least I hope so):

  • Exercise at least 40 minutes a day (20 minutes Cardio, 20 minutes Pilates or other toning exercises).
  • At least 15 minutes Yoga a day. (I want to get flexible, besides Yoga makes me feel good about myself. For a moment… Still, it counts.)
  • 1400-1500 calories a day. Depends on activity level, how hungry I am, etc.
  • One treat a day. E.g. 1 serving nutella, 2 squares dark chocolate, etc. Not both in one day.
  • At least 1 serving vegetables and at least 2 servings fruit a day.
  • Watch Protein intake. (At the very least 50g per day.)
  • Watch Sugar, Sodium, Carbs and Fats. (Especially Sugar and Carbs.)
  • Push harder while working out. (No, there’s no break for me when I’m doing a 5 minute workout video. I can rest when I’m done.)
  • Post my intake on my “health” blog on tumblr. (Will hopefully stop me from bingeing because that’d be kind of embarassing me.)
  • Take fotos of at least 1 meal I eat a day.
  • Only eat when hungry. Stop when full. Eat slowly. (That’s a big one for me… ugh)

I’m going to follow these rules and they’re going to help me achive my goals. There are no excuses. It’s time to get off my butt. (: