To be honest, showing emotions is really really hard for me. I hate the idea of someone actually looking through me and knowing how I feel. I hate taking those “masks” off and revealing myself, with all my flaws and imperfections and what not. If you knew me, you would know that I always have a “pokerface”. Everyday. I don’t smile randomly or make a sad face. I just have that pokerface, and it doesn’t let any feelings shine through. When talking to people I don’t know that well, I always “wear” that pokerface aswell. And it’s really hard for me to laugh or show any emotions in general.
It’s impossible to break those walls I’ve built around me, unless I like and trust you. And if I don’t like you, I will never show any emotion in front of you. I never cry when other people are around. Even if I feel like crying, I’ll force myself to not let the tears out. I don’t want anyone to see how I feel.
Relationships are a big thing for me, because they’re obviously associated with a lot of emotions, like hurt and all that stuff. (That’s why I’ve never had a relationship. Even as a child I never had a crush on anyone. I have always been kind of cold when it came to things like that.) The thought of having to take those “walls” down when in a relationship really scares me. Because taking them down means possibly getting hurt. I obviously don’t show emotions because I don’t want to get hurt. And that usually works quite well.
One thing I also always do is that I don’t admit how I feel. Not even in front of myself. For example, if I got a crush on someone and I was sure that I had a crush, I still wouldn’t admit that. I would tell myself “No, you don’t have a crush on someone.” even if I knew I was lying to myself. But the thing is: If I don’t confess that I have a crush, and it turns out that that someone doesn’t have a crush on me, I haven’t lost anything. I could just tell myself “you didn’t have a crush on them anyway” and I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. But, if I did admit how I felt in front of myself, I would feel like a “loser”, unloved and unwanted. To keep myself from that kind of hurt, I don’t admit feelings in the first place.
Now the thing is, most people take that kind of behaviour (not laughing during the conversation, etc.) for arrogance and lack of interest. They don’t understand that kind of self-protection. But I’m not ready to take those masks down.
Makeup is quite a big thing for me aswell. It’s another kind of mask, something I can hide my flaws and imperfections behind and which helps me feel better about myself. Like I said in the beginning, the idea of people seeing my real face terrifies me. And having to take those masks down at some point in my life terrifies me even more. Unfortunately, that makes me look even more conceited, arrogant and people usually think I’m a “bitch”. Which I’m clearly not.
But to be honest, I like to be that kind of person nobody really understands. I can’t and won’t take my walls down and I probably never will.