Let me tell you, I have experience with being unhealthy. Way too much, actually. More than one should’ve, but it could’ve been a lot worse too.
However, I used to basically starve myself. I mean, I tried my best. It was hard and looking back I’m glad that it didn’t work out the way I hoped it would. Being “thin” back then would be my only goal; my reason to keep going because if I died, I couldn’t leave a fat and repulsive corpse behind. “Thin” was my solution to all my problems, once I got thin, everything else would fall into place. No more family problems, never ending happiness and confidence, popularity, everything. Thin was the only thing that mattered.
That went on for about a period of 5 months, the worst 5 months of my life so far. I got depressed, bitchy and insecure, I’d always walk around with a bent back and everyone would notice. People would ask me if I was depressed and I denied that. My friends must have had a really hard time with that, too. I felt awful about myself, and everyone saw. I was uneducated in nutrition and I thought starving would work forever. I could just keep going with that. But it didn’t even work for 5 months. (Maybe I didn’t want it enough – deep inside I still was the responsible girl that couldn’t let her body die without food; that wasn’t me. So, instead of truly starving myself I put myself down. I really, really, really hated myself. I never self-harmed though, fortunately!) One day, I decided I couldn’t go on like this and wanted to talk about it. I turned to my friend, who struggled with Anorexia herself and had already been sent into treatment. I got to talk to her therapist… He was awful and didn’t help me at all. Besides, I wasn’t ready to “recover” from my self-hatred. Thin was still my only goal. That was in September or so.
Fast forward to sometime in December: I finally chose that it couldn’t go on this way. And that time, I meant it. I decided that I was worthy of life, I was worthy of happiness and I was special. I still hadn’t lost a pound, though.
Hating on myself like that like that is the only thing that I truly regret, and if I could undo just one thing, I’d undo that. I wasted so much time being unhappy and I realized that approximately 3 months ago.
So why choose health? Why choose recovery?
With choosing health, I got a lot happier. And everyone, literally everyone started to realize that. I began to live, as corny as this may sound. I had been happy before, obviously, but that was different. I realized that being happy was in my hands. I may not have an impact on things that happen, but I do have an impact on how I view them. You can either be miserable and suicidal, and I know that being depressed is so much easier than getting off your butt and sorting things out. Being thin is not the solution to your problems, it never was and it never will be. Things won’t get better if you keep locking yourself in your room and pitying yourself, things get better from doing something. You won’t get friends from being depressed, you will get friends from laughing and talking to them. Why choose recovery, you ask? Because it’s worth it. You’re worth it. Life’s worth it. And once you’ve realized that, everything will get better, I promise. Things do get better. You can cope with it, because you’re strong. You’re gorgeous, no matter what anyone says. If people try to put you down, don’t listen to them. You’re better than that. A lot better, actually. What I’m trying to say: Recovery/Health is worth it because it makes you happy. It’s your choice to be happy, or to be miserable. So you might aswell be happy, right?
Bottom line: Being miserable is the worst waste of time and one day you’ll regret that you used to be this way, just like I do right now. Being happy is the best thing ever and you know what: It’s in your hands what to feel. It’s in your hands whether you have a positive mindset or a negative one. Being alive is amazing and of course always worth it. Things do get better, I promise.
Nothing is worth never ending depression.
Choose health/recovery because you’re gorgeous and amazing and you’re worth of happiness.
Life is beautiful, you just have to realize it. (: