Being introverted.

As an introvert, it’s obviously really hard for me to meet new people and make new friends. I’m bad at socializing and that will be a problem for me for the rest of my life.

What is annoying me is that for some reason, extroverted people (75% of the population apparently) cannot comprehend that other people maybe aren’t even striving for the life they’re living (many friends, always something to do, always around people, etc.) Personally, I hate being in the center of attention. I hate meeting new people, I hate socializing and just the thought of getting a new text message every two minutes or chatting with 8 people at the same time stressses me out.

I definitely have a different view on life than most people, and to me, that’s perfectly fine. I wonder, why can’t other people accept me the way I accept them? I don’t think that you’ve ever heard someone bragging about not having many friends and spending the nights alone in their room and being fine with that? Because for some reason, everyone expects you to live your life like “extroverts” live it, with many friends and lots of socializing. But for me, personally, I know that that will never happen. I don’t want that to happen.

Apparently I seem to have different goals in life than most people I know. I’m not striving for a bitch-life, I don’t want to be at a different party every weekend and I don’t want to be fucking around with everyone. (I would want to go to partys from time to time, but I guess you get my point.) I don’t want to be the one running around with a swarm of girls who all secretly talk shit about me behind my back. I don’t want to change my relationship status every few weeks and I have absolutely no interest in meeting lots of new people at a time.

To be honest, I have found the best friend I could possibly wish for. I can talk to her about anything, I can do everything with her, she would always support me and never do something to purposely harm me. And actually, she’s the only friend I really need and want. Building that kind of relationship with her was so much work, and I’m way too lazy to do that all over again. Besides, I don’t think I would ever find someone like her again.
I dream of having a few contacts that I could normally talk to and spend some time with at some point though, and finding a boyfriend someday who I truly like and want to spend my time with.

I can’t understand how people cannot accept me and my (actually way more reasonable) goals in life and see the need  to call me (or me and my bestfriend) a “loser”.  Just because I don’t exactly look like shit you expect me to be someone I’m not?

I enjoy philosophy and learning about anatomy, I like tea and spending time alone without having to talk to someone. I don’t feel like talking a lot most of the time and I get uncomfortable very quickly. I’m actually quite loyal and I would never shit-talk a close friend of mine behind my back. I’m a good listener and I give good advice. (And I know that my extroverted Ex-Bestfriend wishes she could have me back because she needs someone in her life who is always there and gives her the attention she needs.) I’m insecure often and I like reading philosophy books. I could never lie to my parents (to go to a party for example) and I want them to be proud of me. I love the thought of driving a car with my bestfriend somewhere no one knows us and we would just follow the road. I like learning about health/fitness and I also enjoy healthy cooking. My goals in life do not contain partying every single weekend and I have no interest in being called “easy” or a slut. I do spend a lot of time thinking about the future and planning my life, and I also worry a lot. I enjoy laying on the couch on a rainy day and watching something interesting on T.V. and not having to worry about anything. I hate stress and being in the center of attention. Also I hate the thought of being tethered to a certain city or country and I wish I could just go somewhere else, wherever I wanted to.

So just because apparently I look like a “bitch” I can’t be all of those things above? I’m a loser because my goals in life are different from yours?

Why can’t you just accept that not everyone is the same?

Regrets.

I wonder if someday I will regret how much time I wasted on the internet when I was young. I wonder how this (my life) will turn out when I’m older, and if my views on life change as I grow up. They probably will.

It’s no secret that I hate the life I’m living right now, but I think the absolutely worst thing about it right now is that I have nothing to do all the time. I mean, not even homework or anything. I did everything already. I spent this evening (just like every other) sitting either in front of the TV or laptop, even though I don’t have school tomorrow. I don’t know what to do with my time and I’m afraid that someday, when I’ve ran out of time, I will regret how many hours of my precious life I wasted alone in my room.

It’s putting me down that I’m just sitting here, not getting any closer to my goals or having fun. You know, it wouldn’t even be half as bad if I had fun being alone. (I do like being alone and having some time for myself at some point but not that much of time.) But my life is no fun at the moment. It’s no fun at all and I wonder when things will begin to change? I see people in school everyday, enjoying their lifes and having friends and whatever, and I’m such an outcast with my friend in the corner of the room, laughing about things that aren’t funny and talking about people who would never want to spend their time with us. Indeed, I’m lucky that I’m not completely alone, but my situation right now isn’t great either.

Also I’ve realized that everyone expects me (us) to be something different, to look a certain way, and all that kind of stuff. I don’t know if you know this situation when everyone seems to be observing your flaws only? And when others do the same “bad” thing as you do, no one even notices? That is what is happening right now to me (us). (When I talk about “us”, I refer to me and my best friend since we’re kind of one person, if you get what I mean.) Everyone is looking at us for some particular reason, everyone is only noticing our flaws. And it’s annoying and stressing me out even more, because I feel like I have to live up to everyone else’s expections; which I don’t do, but you know, I feel the pressure.

The worst thing about this is, because we are the outcasts, everyone feels like they can just do whatever and we have to deal with it. Actually, it’s this way (as an example); someone “lets us know” what we are doing wrong with our make up, we are annoyed and act like that and that certain person feels attacked by us.

See, how I’m putting various subjects in one post?

I totally stopped blogging.

I don’t even know why, but I don’t feel the “urge” to post my feelings anymore. More, I’m afraid that someone could find my blog(s), since I also have a profile picture of myself right now. That would be embarassing to me.

Luckily, my blogs don’t have many followers / readers.

However, I feel like the time has come when I should distance myself from social media, especially because I don’t have a reason to be here anymore. I have plans for the future to fullfil, like getting fit and healthy and a social life.

Approximately 2 years have passed and looking back I don’t think I regret signing up for twitter, tumblr, etc. It was of great benefit for my English knowlegde and everything.

Often when I’m thinking back on myself from a year or two ago, I’m always fascinated by how much can change in that little amount of time. I used to be ugly and kind of “gross-looking” (no hard case through ^^ ) and now I’m totally concerned about my looks and using (actually a lot) of make up and all those kind of things. It’s like I’m a totally different person now, and sometimes I miss not caring at all about my apperance and just being a child, you know. Well, time passes and things change and I think that at some point, I have to get over the past. I mean in general.

See how I’m mixing up all kinds of different subjects in just one post? Yeah, I’ll just stop writing now.

Arrogance and Introversion.

I don’t know whether this was obvious or not, but I’m a very introvert person. I’m not talkative and quite shy and I always worry, I observe people and I can look through them pretty fast, you know, I perfectly fit the criteria for being introvert. And actually, I always knew this. I’ve been this way since kindergarten and it has never really been a problem. Mostly because I always had friends who were extroverted and, like, “guided” me, if you know what I mean. I never had to do the first move.

My best friend is also introvert by the way, so our first appointment at 2 was really weird, because no one of us started the conversation. We became best friends in primary school.

Anyway, it all ended with me having just this one friend – my bestest friend – but yeah, just this one friend.
And since we’re both introverts, it is really really really hard for us to make new friends.

Not only because we’re bad at talking and worry about seeming weird to the other persons, also because most people judge us pretty quickly, unfortunately.

We both never show emotions, we always have this “pokerface” on, which gives us a really arrogant and conceited look. Furthermore, we wear quite a lot of make-up, which again makes us seem really conceited, also because we often have to re-do it in public. Besides, we don’t laugh much around new people – and if we do, it sounds fake and put on – and we barely talk (because we’re ashamed of it, since we don’t have a “life” we could talk about). In addition, we always either give people just a really short look – which most people take as offence as if we were saying “You’re not good enough for us” – or look them right into the eyes which most people (including me haha) don’t like at all. So overall, we create an impression of being arrogant and conceited bitches who thing they’re something better, also because you really cannot say that we’re ugly.

Even though we are completely different – like mentioned above, we are really shy and don’t want anyone to know how we feel, whether we like them or not, etc. because we’re afraid of rejection.

It’s awful.

I feel like my life only consists of problems.

First of all, I want to list all of them so you can get an idea about how fucked up my life is:

  • Money.
  • I don’t have any friends / a boyfriend.
  • My body (and appearance in general).
  • My shyness and “pokerface” which make me seem like an arrogant bitch. (There even is a chance that my friend and I have Social Anxiety.)
  • Not being talkative or out-going.
  • My school.
  • Grades.

And this is what I’m constantly thinking about / what surrounds me everyday. I go to bed every day and my last thought is dedicated to those problems and when I wake up in the morning the first thing that comes to my mind is what needs to be done today to solve those.

Since me and my friend are in this together, we’ve made up a plan to get a better life in general, and our whole friendship consists of solving those problems. And it really annoys me because that is what my whole life is about. There is nothing that I look forward to (expect the future), it’s only me and all those problems the whole time. My friend and I only talk about that and when we spend time together, those problems are always the subject of the conversation (if we even have one, because most of the time we’re just bored and don’t do anything).

There isn’t anything seriously positive in my life. I know people say that bad phases don’t last forever, but this phase has lasted for months now and I wonder when it is time for the happyness to come back again? I mean, real happyness. (Because on vacation, we both were happy and that’s why we both miss being on vacation soso much.)

I don’t know how to deal with this because even if we follow our “plan” to solve out the problems, that doesn’t mean everything gets better. Since you cannot plan life, I don’t know what will happen and whether we follow the plan because not even that is a sure thing these days.

I’m quite depressed lately. That’s why I’m eating so much too.

Social anxiety.

Social Anxiety?

My friend (well, my only friend, just to get this clear) and I might have Social Anxiety.

While we stayed on vacation, we noticed that we were just not talkative at all. It was seriously impossible for us to stay normal and chilled during conversations (with guys obviously). We also noticed that lots of the symptoms for Social Anxiety were accurate for us: shortness of breath, upset stomach, feeling dizzy, etc.

Also, the emotional symptoms are accurate for us aswell:

  • Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know
  • Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself
  • Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous

(from: helpguide.org)

We tried to analyze how this might started off on us, but we found that we’ve always been this way. Since we’ve been friends for almost 10 years by now (with on-and-off-phases though), we’ve always kinda been to ourselves. I mean we never really were “popular”, not even in the slightest. Even in kindergarden and primary school I always had that shyness surrounding me, but I still had friends. They all made the first move, but I, however, did not get nervous or anything around new people.

And thinking back I remember that when I was in 7th and 8th grade I often felt kinda nervous at the first day of school after holidays (e.g. upset stomach) but I ignored that and it went away.

I also remember that in 5th to 6th grade I wasn’t concerned about other people at all (I was friends with all the “ugly girls” back then though), and I hat quite a big ego. Which wasn’t reasonable, but I just didn’t care. I was able to eat in public and I was able to talk in class without feeling weird and all that. *

However, I think that maybe because of that phase my confidence went down a whole bunch: I’ve never really been self-conscious before middle of 7th grade, because that’s when I realized that I really was ugly and it wasn’t just the others being mean (I never got bullied, don’t get me wrong), it was really me being ugly. A problem that had to be solved. So I started putting on make-up, it obviously looked like shit at first but yeah. So I started putting on make-up at 12 (almost 13). Anyway, after that weird phase I got really self-conscious I think. I mean, just overall, I wasn’t happy with myself. That made it even worse. I lost all my outcast friends because I got normal and became friends with the normal people (at 12 1/2).

 

* I don’t know whether I already made a post about that (I guess not) so I’ll just tell you the important stuff to get what I’m talking about. So, in 5th to 8th grade I went through a “weird phase”. By “weird phase” I mean that I was quite ugly with unplucked eyebrows, kinda fat because of eating too much and shitty clothes. It was horrible. I don’t try to say that anyone looks “good” in their younger years, but I wasn’t even “normal-looking”, if you get what I mean. I was just plain ugly, and the worst thing was, I didn’t even realize that. I always felt like I was one of the pretty girls. And I clearly clearly clearly wasn’t.

Now, at 13: I don’t want to sound conceited in any way, I really don’t, but I have to admit that me and my friend are one of those “pretty girls”. We put on make-up (yes, I know, at 13 and 14, feel free to judge us we’re used to it) and everything. We’re trying to reduce it though. Anyway, we’re one of those good-looking girls you would probably call “bitches” if you saw us walking on the streets.

 

Okay, Okay. I’ll stop with the stories now. Let’s get to the actual point of this post.

My friend and I think we have social anxiety because it’s really hard for us to talk to (good-looking) guys. And to new people in general. We’re just bad at making friends and conversations and all that important stuff. And, as previously mentioned, the social anxiety symptoms really fit us and that really scares us. We are thinking about going to the psychologist to get things straight and finding out what really is wrong with us.

 

Yeah. That was a long post.

 

Vacation.

So I returned from vacation yesterday and I’m already back to life as usual – that means sitting around all day, surfing the internet, watching YouTube-Videos, checking facebook every 5 minutes and iMessaging with my friend. I hate my life.

That’s not the point of this post, though.

Leaving from vacation always makes me feel kinda philosophical. Just like long car rides and lying awake in the bed at night. But whatever. You know, because when you leave the hotel and the place of your stay you know that you’re never going back. And even if you would, it wouldn’t be the same. Because, you see people at the hotel and get used to them and everything, but they will leave to and never go back either. And, because you meet people in the town or in the hotel who you will never see again. So even if you returned some day, it wouldn’t be the same.

You meet those people and you make friends with them even though you know that you’re not going to stay forever. Then you leave and miss them at first, but their faces and names fade from your memory just like everything else does and even if you try to hold onto them, they will forget you anyway, and so will you. And maybe, one day you will see them on the streets and won’t recognize them or be like “I know that person from somewhere” but you won’t be able to remember them and you will pass them and forget about it.

Leaving from vacation makes me realize even more that nothing is forever (that sounds so cheesy I can’t even believe I’m saying this, ugh) and that you can never experience the best moments twice (you know, you can’t say “Okay, we will do this again” because it isn’t the same thing the second time). Also, we forget so much. Obviously our brains only hold on to the information that is important in the moment and it makes me sad to know that this world is big enough to lose touch to a person you were once friends with forever. You will never be able to find them. You will forget them and move on.

I hope that made sense. :) I’m going back to school next week. Kill me.

My goals this year.

I feel like it’s time to plan again. I love planning. And organizing. Yeah, that’s weird. I know. However, without plans I’m just kind of lost, you know. I do things without focusing on why I’m doing or what I really want to accomplish.

So here is what I want to get done this year:

  • Eat clean(er). This is very important to me because I feel like I’m denying my body the nutrients that it needs and I just think that it’s important to treat your body well because it has a lot of nice side effects like weight loss, nice hair/skin/nails and all that other good stuff that everybody wants.
  • Drink more water. I’m quite good at this by now, I always have a water bottle with me but I still aim to drink at least 2l of water a day because it makes me feel a lot better.
  • Exercise more regulary. I exercise quite regulary actually, but sometimes I just feel like quitting/skipping a workout, especially when school stresses me out. That’s going to be a tough one, when I have school I never feel like exercising. I guess I just have to make this a habit.
  • Improve my grades in school. I’m not a bad student or anything, I, however, am way to quiet to get mostly As or Bs on my report.
  • Get flexible. I always admire Yoga Instructors like Tara Stiles for their flexibility and strength. Obviously, I’m never going to be on the same level as her, but I still want to be more flexible.
  • Get a job. I just need the money, you know.
  • Start going to the gym. I want to get fit. Fit people are hot. ;)

That’s it for the moment, but I sure will be adding to this.

I believe everything happens for a reason.

I know, I already posted something like that. I just thought I’d explain what I meant a little more detailed.

I believe everything happens for a reason because I don’t think anything happens “just like that”. I mean, do you think earth was created just like that? Also, every animal species has some kind of task to do (e.g: spiders catch insects and so on), so those obviously aren’t on earth out of no where.

So why should it be different with us? I don’t believe it is. I believe that us being on earth and us living our lives the way we do has a reason and that “someone” (not God, at least not in my eyes) controlls what happens. And I believe that special “someone” also controlles how our lives go off. I think that with everything that happens, we learn a new lesson and become wiser. You become wiser and learn a new lesson once you’ve found out what the reason was.

I’m wasting so much time.

At least that’s how I feel. I mean, I know I talk alot about my non-existing social life, but it’s getting serious.

I sit at home all day and do homework or read idiotic E-Books, and if I don’t do that, I hang out with my best friend. And I’m bored all the time. Even with her.

And that’s so annoying. I just feel like I’m wasting my time but at the same time, I don’t know what else to do. It’s not like I have loads of chances and I’m just not taking them, it’s like I don’t get any chances to do anything new or exciting.

I’m always waiting for something. When I’m at school, I’m waiting for it to end. When I’m home, I’m waiting for the evening to watch TV. While watching TV, I’m waiting for the day to end. I’m waiting for the weekend, I’m waiting for the new week to start. I’m waiting for something to change everything, for something that will make my life more interesting, even though I know it’s never coming. I know life is not going to hit me in the face one day and everything will suddenly get better. I have to make it better. And if I knew how, I’d already been doing it. But I don’t know how. So I’m stuck between being too young to do anything and afraid to waste too much time and being too old to do anything.

I don’t know why I’m waiting or what I’m waiting for. I just know that I’m waiting for something which will never come itself.

And I don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s annoying me so much. Everyone else is always doing something, always hanging around with others and never bored. And all I do is hang around all day. I have no stories to tell. Everyone else has hundreds.

What is wrong with me? :O