I’m so done.

This is going to be really really personal…

It just kills me to see how my best friend (my only friend also, as you know), is so much prettier than me. I know this sounds superficial, but it’s true. To me it kind of seems like she gets all the attention and maybe that wouldn’t even be that hard for me if I wasn’t so self conscious.

I observe other people staring at her and so many tell her how pretty she is (which is true obviously). I get compliments too, but not nearly as much. What really is the worst about this is that it just confirms everything that I have always suspected and that what I would call my “flaws” aren’t little things you ignore, but really are big things which get attention.

What I also hate is that she always tries to make me feel better by sugar-coating things, even though I believe that we both know that my point is the actual truth. I hate that she actually has to sugar-coat things because they are that bad for me.

I hate that it has always been this way now, for 10 years. I’ve always been the ugly friend, I’ve always been the one who was known because she was friends with someone more popular. I’ve always been the one in someone else’s shadow. And I actually thought that this would have had changed by now, but it hasn’t. I thought we were on the same level now, but apparently we are not.

I know life is unfair and I also believe everything happens for a reason, but at some point things just need to change. It’s getting on my nerves that whenever something like today happens (I’m not going to get detailed here, that’d be boring) I get really emotional and cry because I’m self conscious and can’t deal with anything.

So I decided that I would create a new plan. A plan I will just follow. I will just do it, no matter what time it is, how tired I am, what happened that day and what else is making me feel like “I don’t wanna do it”. I’m not in the position to be lazy and stuff because I’m always the one who ends up being emotional and death wishes. I want this to stop.

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