Showing emotions

To be honest, showing emotions is really really hard for me. I hate the idea of someone actually looking through me and knowing how I feel. I hate taking those “masks” off and revealing myself, with all my flaws and imperfections and what not. If you knew me, you would know that I always have a “pokerface”. Everyday. I don’t smile randomly or make a sad face. I just have that pokerface, and it doesn’t let any feelings shine through. When talking to people I don’t know that well, I always “wear” that pokerface aswell. And it’s really hard for me to laugh or show any emotions in general.

It’s impossible to break those walls I’ve built around me, unless I like and trust you. And if I don’t like you, I will never show any emotion in front of you. I never cry when other people are around. Even if I feel like crying, I’ll force myself to not let the tears out. I don’t want anyone to see how I feel.

Relationships are a big thing for me, because they’re obviously associated with a lot of emotions, like hurt and all that stuff. (That’s why I’ve never had a relationship. Even as a child I never had a crush on anyone. I have always been kind of cold when it came to things like that.) The thought of having to take those “walls” down when in a relationship really scares me. Because taking them down means possibly getting hurt. I obviously don’t show emotions because I don’t want to get hurt. And that usually works quite well.

One thing I also always do is that I don’t admit how I feel. Not even in front of myself. For example, if I got a crush on someone and I was sure that I had a crush, I still wouldn’t admit that. I would tell myself “No, you don’t have a crush on someone.” even if I knew I was lying to myself. But the thing is: If I don’t confess that I have a crush, and it turns out that that someone doesn’t have a crush on me, I haven’t lost anything. I could just tell myself “you didn’t have a crush on them anyway” and I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. But, if I did admit how I felt in front of myself, I would feel like a “loser”, unloved and unwanted. To keep myself from that kind of hurt, I don’t admit feelings in the first place.

Now the thing is, most people take that kind of behaviour (not laughing during the conversation, etc.) for arrogance and lack of interest. They don’t understand that kind of self-protection. But I’m not ready to take those masks down.

Makeup is quite a big thing for me aswell. It’s another kind of mask, something I can hide my flaws and imperfections behind and which helps me feel better about myself. Like I said in the beginning, the idea of people seeing my real face terrifies me. And having to take those masks down at some point in my life terrifies me even more. Unfortunately, that makes me look even more conceited, arrogant and people usually think I’m a “bitch”. Which I’m clearly not.

But to be honest, I like to be that kind of person nobody really understands. I can’t and won’t take my walls down and I probably never will.

Being introverted.

As an introvert, it’s obviously really hard for me to meet new people and make new friends. I’m bad at socializing and that will be a problem for me for the rest of my life.

What is annoying me is that for some reason, extroverted people (75% of the population apparently) cannot comprehend that other people maybe aren’t even striving for the life they’re living (many friends, always something to do, always around people, etc.) Personally, I hate being in the center of attention. I hate meeting new people, I hate socializing and just the thought of getting a new text message every two minutes or chatting with 8 people at the same time stressses me out.

I definitely have a different view on life than most people, and to me, that’s perfectly fine. I wonder, why can’t other people accept me the way I accept them? I don’t think that you’ve ever heard someone bragging about not having many friends and spending the nights alone in their room and being fine with that? Because for some reason, everyone expects you to live your life like “extroverts” live it, with many friends and lots of socializing. But for me, personally, I know that that will never happen. I don’t want that to happen.

Apparently I seem to have different goals in life than most people I know. I’m not striving for a bitch-life, I don’t want to be at a different party every weekend and I don’t want to be fucking around with everyone. (I would want to go to partys from time to time, but I guess you get my point.) I don’t want to be the one running around with a swarm of girls who all secretly talk shit about me behind my back. I don’t want to change my relationship status every few weeks and I have absolutely no interest in meeting lots of new people at a time.

To be honest, I have found the best friend I could possibly wish for. I can talk to her about anything, I can do everything with her, she would always support me and never do something to purposely harm me. And actually, she’s the only friend I really need and want. Building that kind of relationship with her was so much work, and I’m way too lazy to do that all over again. Besides, I don’t think I would ever find someone like her again.
I dream of having a few contacts that I could normally talk to and spend some time with at some point though, and finding a boyfriend someday who I truly like and want to spend my time with.

I can’t understand how people cannot accept me and my (actually way more reasonable) goals in life and see the need  to call me (or me and my bestfriend) a “loser”.  Just because I don’t exactly look like shit you expect me to be someone I’m not?

I enjoy philosophy and learning about anatomy, I like tea and spending time alone without having to talk to someone. I don’t feel like talking a lot most of the time and I get uncomfortable very quickly. I’m actually quite loyal and I would never shit-talk a close friend of mine behind my back. I’m a good listener and I give good advice. (And I know that my extroverted Ex-Bestfriend wishes she could have me back because she needs someone in her life who is always there and gives her the attention she needs.) I’m insecure often and I like reading philosophy books. I could never lie to my parents (to go to a party for example) and I want them to be proud of me. I love the thought of driving a car with my bestfriend somewhere no one knows us and we would just follow the road. I like learning about health/fitness and I also enjoy healthy cooking. My goals in life do not contain partying every single weekend and I have no interest in being called “easy” or a slut. I do spend a lot of time thinking about the future and planning my life, and I also worry a lot. I enjoy laying on the couch on a rainy day and watching something interesting on T.V. and not having to worry about anything. I hate stress and being in the center of attention. Also I hate the thought of being tethered to a certain city or country and I wish I could just go somewhere else, wherever I wanted to.

So just because apparently I look like a “bitch” I can’t be all of those things above? I’m a loser because my goals in life are different from yours?

Why can’t you just accept that not everyone is the same?

5 pieces of advice I wish I could follow

Obviously, giving advice is one of the simplest things. Well at least to me. Especially when it comes to giving advice to myself. The only problem is that following advice can be really hard, because things are easier said than done.

However, these are 5 pieces of advice I wish I could follow:

1. Stop comparing myself to other people. Whether it’s looks,  skills, or just life in general, I always compare myself to other people. Especially to those I envy. Even though I know it’s not going to get me anywhere, because I’m never going to be them. I will always be myself, and there will always be people who are prettier, more successful, get more money or better grades, etc. I’m never going to get their looks or their skills or their life and I should just accept that and work towards being the best I can possibly be. Instead, I often keep focussing on how far others have come already or what their great qualities are and how I am lacking those. It usually ends with me being miserable and depressed.

2. Stop caring about what other people think of me. That’s like the #1 thing that is always being discussed and people keep telling you “Oh don’t care about what they say” or “Just ignore them” and all that blahblah. Well it’s not that easy, obviously. Because we are actually made to seek acceptance, apprecation and respect in that group of people we are associating with. (If you think back: In the human species’ early times, it was important to be part of a group in order to survive.) So actually, we can never really stop caring about other people’s opinions. The only thing we can do is tell ourselves that there are people who accept, appreciate and respect us and we don’t need those who don’t. And that’ “all” you really have to do, but that can be very hard. Especially if you don’t have that large circle of friends (like me).

3. Start to actually stand up for myself. As you probably already have been guessing, I’m not that kind of outspoken, confident person. Therefore, I also don’t stand up for myself, or defeat my beliefs or speak louder when someone’s getting on my nerves. Usually I just sit there and have others discussing what I also find interesting. And I don’t even know why I don’t stand up for myself, because it’s not like I don’t have pride or anything and just let everyone mess with me or whatever. It’s not like I don’t have any arguments for my beliefs, but during an argument or discussion, I often can’t think of any. And later, when I’ve calmed down and went through what happened in my head, I suddenly know what I should’ve said.

4. Get confidence and become “bestfriends with myself”. I have struggled and still am struggling a lot with self-hate and all that kind of stuff. You know, that voice in your head that always tells you that “You’re fat/ugly/unworthy/No one likes you/ stop eating” kind of blahblah. If you want to get anywhere in life, you obviously have to team up with yourself. As well all know, you can be your own worst enemy. You can put yourself down without other people having a negative impact on you, you can make yourself hide in your room and cry yourself to sleep, etc. etc. etc. In the end of the day, the only person that will really stay with you forever is yourself. Not your bestfriend, or your mom, or your boyfriend, or your dog, or whoever. It’s basically just you and yourself. So why would you want to put yourself down and bring negativity to your life? (I know, quite ironical coming from someone like me. But I guess you get my point.) Why wouldn’t you want to just become a happier person overall, because you love yourself? Also, ask yourself this question: Can I expect other people to love and appreciate me if I don’t love and appreciate myself? If you don’t love yourself, who will?

5. Work harder towards my goal, stop quitting so easily, dedicate myself to my goal. I’m a quitter. I hate admitting it, but it’s true. Unfortunately. I always feel like it’s not getting me anywhere anyway, or I’m just having a lazy day or whatever. I also often half-ass things, and I don’t even know why. Because it’s not like they’re not important to me, my problem is just that I’m not working hard enough because I’m impatient and loose motivation easily. I wish I could focus more on the goal and accept that it’s going to take time and hard work.

So while writing this, I came across another very important piece of advice you definitely shouldn’t be leaving out:

6. Stop being so pessimistic about everything. I’m a pessimist, another very awful characteristic of mine. I hate it, it keeps me from actually working hard and makes life so much harder. I’m always preparing myself for the worst-case scenario, and not even thinking that the worst thing isn’t always the thing that can happen. I forget that sometimes, good things happen aswell and that there are positive aspects of my life. I just don’t see them because I take them for guranteed and focus on the bad things. That’s so annoying sometimes, it keeps me from actually trying new things and dedicating myself to my goals, because there are always thoughts like “it’s not going to get you anywhere” that creep into my head and ruin everything.

So that’s it, basically. There are obviously a lot more things you should not ignore when trying to live an overall happier and relaxing life. But from my point of view, those are the 5 (well 6) general points you should definitely try to follow. I’m trying my best, too.

And another quote I came across earlier today:

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” – Buddha

I guess that’s kind of self-explaining, so I’ll just leave it at that and end this post here. :) It got quite long…

I’m so done.

This is going to be really really personal…

It just kills me to see how my best friend (my only friend also, as you know), is so much prettier than me. I know this sounds superficial, but it’s true. To me it kind of seems like she gets all the attention and maybe that wouldn’t even be that hard for me if I wasn’t so self conscious.

I observe other people staring at her and so many tell her how pretty she is (which is true obviously). I get compliments too, but not nearly as much. What really is the worst about this is that it just confirms everything that I have always suspected and that what I would call my “flaws” aren’t little things you ignore, but really are big things which get attention.

What I also hate is that she always tries to make me feel better by sugar-coating things, even though I believe that we both know that my point is the actual truth. I hate that she actually has to sugar-coat things because they are that bad for me.

I hate that it has always been this way now, for 10 years. I’ve always been the ugly friend, I’ve always been the one who was known because she was friends with someone more popular. I’ve always been the one in someone else’s shadow. And I actually thought that this would have had changed by now, but it hasn’t. I thought we were on the same level now, but apparently we are not.

I know life is unfair and I also believe everything happens for a reason, but at some point things just need to change. It’s getting on my nerves that whenever something like today happens (I’m not going to get detailed here, that’d be boring) I get really emotional and cry because I’m self conscious and can’t deal with anything.

So I decided that I would create a new plan. A plan I will just follow. I will just do it, no matter what time it is, how tired I am, what happened that day and what else is making me feel like “I don’t wanna do it”. I’m not in the position to be lazy and stuff because I’m always the one who ends up being emotional and death wishes. I want this to stop.

Regrets.

I wonder if someday I will regret how much time I wasted on the internet when I was young. I wonder how this (my life) will turn out when I’m older, and if my views on life change as I grow up. They probably will.

It’s no secret that I hate the life I’m living right now, but I think the absolutely worst thing about it right now is that I have nothing to do all the time. I mean, not even homework or anything. I did everything already. I spent this evening (just like every other) sitting either in front of the TV or laptop, even though I don’t have school tomorrow. I don’t know what to do with my time and I’m afraid that someday, when I’ve ran out of time, I will regret how many hours of my precious life I wasted alone in my room.

It’s putting me down that I’m just sitting here, not getting any closer to my goals or having fun. You know, it wouldn’t even be half as bad if I had fun being alone. (I do like being alone and having some time for myself at some point but not that much of time.) But my life is no fun at the moment. It’s no fun at all and I wonder when things will begin to change? I see people in school everyday, enjoying their lifes and having friends and whatever, and I’m such an outcast with my friend in the corner of the room, laughing about things that aren’t funny and talking about people who would never want to spend their time with us. Indeed, I’m lucky that I’m not completely alone, but my situation right now isn’t great either.

Also I’ve realized that everyone expects me (us) to be something different, to look a certain way, and all that kind of stuff. I don’t know if you know this situation when everyone seems to be observing your flaws only? And when others do the same “bad” thing as you do, no one even notices? That is what is happening right now to me (us). (When I talk about “us”, I refer to me and my best friend since we’re kind of one person, if you get what I mean.) Everyone is looking at us for some particular reason, everyone is only noticing our flaws. And it’s annoying and stressing me out even more, because I feel like I have to live up to everyone else’s expections; which I don’t do, but you know, I feel the pressure.

The worst thing about this is, because we are the outcasts, everyone feels like they can just do whatever and we have to deal with it. Actually, it’s this way (as an example); someone “lets us know” what we are doing wrong with our make up, we are annoyed and act like that and that certain person feels attacked by us.

See, how I’m putting various subjects in one post?

I totally stopped blogging.

I don’t even know why, but I don’t feel the “urge” to post my feelings anymore. More, I’m afraid that someone could find my blog(s), since I also have a profile picture of myself right now. That would be embarassing to me.

Luckily, my blogs don’t have many followers / readers.

However, I feel like the time has come when I should distance myself from social media, especially because I don’t have a reason to be here anymore. I have plans for the future to fullfil, like getting fit and healthy and a social life.

Approximately 2 years have passed and looking back I don’t think I regret signing up for twitter, tumblr, etc. It was of great benefit for my English knowlegde and everything.

Often when I’m thinking back on myself from a year or two ago, I’m always fascinated by how much can change in that little amount of time. I used to be ugly and kind of “gross-looking” (no hard case through ^^ ) and now I’m totally concerned about my looks and using (actually a lot) of make up and all those kind of things. It’s like I’m a totally different person now, and sometimes I miss not caring at all about my apperance and just being a child, you know. Well, time passes and things change and I think that at some point, I have to get over the past. I mean in general.

See how I’m mixing up all kinds of different subjects in just one post? Yeah, I’ll just stop writing now.

Arrogance and Introversion.

I don’t know whether this was obvious or not, but I’m a very introvert person. I’m not talkative and quite shy and I always worry, I observe people and I can look through them pretty fast, you know, I perfectly fit the criteria for being introvert. And actually, I always knew this. I’ve been this way since kindergarten and it has never really been a problem. Mostly because I always had friends who were extroverted and, like, “guided” me, if you know what I mean. I never had to do the first move.

My best friend is also introvert by the way, so our first appointment at 2 was really weird, because no one of us started the conversation. We became best friends in primary school.

Anyway, it all ended with me having just this one friend – my bestest friend – but yeah, just this one friend.
And since we’re both introverts, it is really really really hard for us to make new friends.

Not only because we’re bad at talking and worry about seeming weird to the other persons, also because most people judge us pretty quickly, unfortunately.

We both never show emotions, we always have this “pokerface” on, which gives us a really arrogant and conceited look. Furthermore, we wear quite a lot of make-up, which again makes us seem really conceited, also because we often have to re-do it in public. Besides, we don’t laugh much around new people – and if we do, it sounds fake and put on – and we barely talk (because we’re ashamed of it, since we don’t have a “life” we could talk about). In addition, we always either give people just a really short look – which most people take as offence as if we were saying “You’re not good enough for us” – or look them right into the eyes which most people (including me haha) don’t like at all. So overall, we create an impression of being arrogant and conceited bitches who thing they’re something better, also because you really cannot say that we’re ugly.

Even though we are completely different – like mentioned above, we are really shy and don’t want anyone to know how we feel, whether we like them or not, etc. because we’re afraid of rejection.

It’s awful.

I feel like my life only consists of problems.

First of all, I want to list all of them so you can get an idea about how fucked up my life is:

  • Money.
  • I don’t have any friends / a boyfriend.
  • My body (and appearance in general).
  • My shyness and “pokerface” which make me seem like an arrogant bitch. (There even is a chance that my friend and I have Social Anxiety.)
  • Not being talkative or out-going.
  • My school.
  • Grades.

And this is what I’m constantly thinking about / what surrounds me everyday. I go to bed every day and my last thought is dedicated to those problems and when I wake up in the morning the first thing that comes to my mind is what needs to be done today to solve those.

Since me and my friend are in this together, we’ve made up a plan to get a better life in general, and our whole friendship consists of solving those problems. And it really annoys me because that is what my whole life is about. There is nothing that I look forward to (expect the future), it’s only me and all those problems the whole time. My friend and I only talk about that and when we spend time together, those problems are always the subject of the conversation (if we even have one, because most of the time we’re just bored and don’t do anything).

There isn’t anything seriously positive in my life. I know people say that bad phases don’t last forever, but this phase has lasted for months now and I wonder when it is time for the happyness to come back again? I mean, real happyness. (Because on vacation, we both were happy and that’s why we both miss being on vacation soso much.)

I don’t know how to deal with this because even if we follow our “plan” to solve out the problems, that doesn’t mean everything gets better. Since you cannot plan life, I don’t know what will happen and whether we follow the plan because not even that is a sure thing these days.

I’m quite depressed lately. That’s why I’m eating so much too.

Social anxiety.

Social Anxiety?

My friend (well, my only friend, just to get this clear) and I might have Social Anxiety.

While we stayed on vacation, we noticed that we were just not talkative at all. It was seriously impossible for us to stay normal and chilled during conversations (with guys obviously). We also noticed that lots of the symptoms for Social Anxiety were accurate for us: shortness of breath, upset stomach, feeling dizzy, etc.

Also, the emotional symptoms are accurate for us aswell:

  • Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know
  • Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself
  • Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous

(from: helpguide.org)

We tried to analyze how this might started off on us, but we found that we’ve always been this way. Since we’ve been friends for almost 10 years by now (with on-and-off-phases though), we’ve always kinda been to ourselves. I mean we never really were “popular”, not even in the slightest. Even in kindergarden and primary school I always had that shyness surrounding me, but I still had friends. They all made the first move, but I, however, did not get nervous or anything around new people.

And thinking back I remember that when I was in 7th and 8th grade I often felt kinda nervous at the first day of school after holidays (e.g. upset stomach) but I ignored that and it went away.

I also remember that in 5th to 6th grade I wasn’t concerned about other people at all (I was friends with all the “ugly girls” back then though), and I hat quite a big ego. Which wasn’t reasonable, but I just didn’t care. I was able to eat in public and I was able to talk in class without feeling weird and all that. *

However, I think that maybe because of that phase my confidence went down a whole bunch: I’ve never really been self-conscious before middle of 7th grade, because that’s when I realized that I really was ugly and it wasn’t just the others being mean (I never got bullied, don’t get me wrong), it was really me being ugly. A problem that had to be solved. So I started putting on make-up, it obviously looked like shit at first but yeah. So I started putting on make-up at 12 (almost 13). Anyway, after that weird phase I got really self-conscious I think. I mean, just overall, I wasn’t happy with myself. That made it even worse. I lost all my outcast friends because I got normal and became friends with the normal people (at 12 1/2).

 

* I don’t know whether I already made a post about that (I guess not) so I’ll just tell you the important stuff to get what I’m talking about. So, in 5th to 8th grade I went through a “weird phase”. By “weird phase” I mean that I was quite ugly with unplucked eyebrows, kinda fat because of eating too much and shitty clothes. It was horrible. I don’t try to say that anyone looks “good” in their younger years, but I wasn’t even “normal-looking”, if you get what I mean. I was just plain ugly, and the worst thing was, I didn’t even realize that. I always felt like I was one of the pretty girls. And I clearly clearly clearly wasn’t.

Now, at 13: I don’t want to sound conceited in any way, I really don’t, but I have to admit that me and my friend are one of those “pretty girls”. We put on make-up (yes, I know, at 13 and 14, feel free to judge us we’re used to it) and everything. We’re trying to reduce it though. Anyway, we’re one of those good-looking girls you would probably call “bitches” if you saw us walking on the streets.

 

Okay, Okay. I’ll stop with the stories now. Let’s get to the actual point of this post.

My friend and I think we have social anxiety because it’s really hard for us to talk to (good-looking) guys. And to new people in general. We’re just bad at making friends and conversations and all that important stuff. And, as previously mentioned, the social anxiety symptoms really fit us and that really scares us. We are thinking about going to the psychologist to get things straight and finding out what really is wrong with us.

 

Yeah. That was a long post.